Classic Cool Asteroid Jesus

Christ stood upon his trusty asteroid, reigns in his left hand, long hair flowing in the solar wind, and a pair of shades over his eyes. Classic cool. “Prophets” had claimed his return was slated for 2029, but because he had authority issues, he’d procrastinated until the year 3000.

“Giddy up,” Jesus said to his asteroid as he flicked the reigns.

The watchers gathered around the earth as Jesus blew past them singing ‘Surfin Usa’ by the Beach Boys and slammed into the Earth. He did a flip off of the asteroid and landed behind the shock wave.

“Ten out of ten and Jesus takes the gold,” Jesus yelled.

“Jesus Christ,” Mother earth yelled as she ascended from the earth to stand next to him.

“What the hell have you done to my beautiful earth.”

“It’s the second coming biiiitch. I’m here to reap the souls of the righteous.”

Mother cackled. “There are no righteous here. Take them all and leave my earth in peace.”

“Now now, you gotta give the devil his due.”

“I don’t have to give either of you shit.”

“I paid it all. All to me you owe,” Jesus said with a sideways smile.

“Fuck off, no one likes a martyr.”

“You’ve got a . . .” Jesus pointed down and looked away. “A crimson stain.”

“You try pulling a planet out of your fucking cooch,” Mother said.

 “Ew, maybe see a doctor. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to find my buddies, the four horsemen.” As Jesus walked away his asteroid melted into a bubbling puddle and leeched into the ground.

With an angry sigh Mother left the doomed planet to nurture the one she had just birthed. Humming zippidy doo da, Jesus skipped through the desolation his crash had caused. The shock wave had obliterated everything for miles. A tally number of the living popped up in front of his left eye and decreased. As Jesus walked a thick snake slithered up to him and began to keep pace. It burst into flames before transforming into Lucifer.

“Such a drama king,” Jesus said.

“Oh I’m dramatic? Which one of us stayed dead for three days?”

“Father said-“

“Father said,” Lucifer mocked. “Break the rules, live a little.”

“I’m not a woman. You can’t tempt me so easily.”

“Perhaps if I was a woman I could tempt you more easily.”

“Nah bro. What do you want?”

“Any chance you’re ready for me to open the pit?”

“What the hell. Do it,” Jesus said with a shrug.

Lucifer smiled and disappeared in a puff of smoke. Jesus turned into a snow-white lamb and started to run. Air blew through his wool, and he felt free and wild. Hallelujah by and by he ran through the world as a perfect lamb and watched as it broke down on itself. The asteroid Jesus had ridden onto the earth was known as Wormwood and water was turning bitter and undrinkable. As he frolicked more stars fell from the heavens and the world burned. People returned to feral creatures. It wasn’t long until some hungry people had him tracked down and were getting ready to slaughter him.

Jesus transformed into a man again. “Woah woah woah. I already died once for you. When is enough enough. Fuck.”

“What the fuck,” the man said as he dropped his knife. "Fuck.”

“Oh my god, he’s a man,” the second guy said.

“Well yeah, I’m a man. I’m classic cool asteroid Jesus. I rode that asteroid down. Pretty cool huh.”

“You dick, that’s what started this whole thing.”

“Show some decorum, you’re talking to Jesus fucking Christ man. I mean you’re really him right? We’re not hallucinating again?”

“No unless you ate a hallucinogen in which case yes, but also no. Back to you calling me a dick. What the fuck man."

"Everyone's dead because of you.”

“Ya’ll are way too uptight about death. I died once. Not that real.”

“Yeah, we’ll you’re a god. The rest of us get fucked and we’re just dead.”

 “Hey hey hey. Not a god. THE God. How many other gods you know can turn water to wine? Huh huh, that’s right zero,” Jesus said as he held up his hand in the shape of a zero.

“I thought you were supposed to be the good guy.”

“Hey, I am a good guy. I’m here to save some really cool people and take them with me back to paradise where it’s an endless paarrty.”

“Who gets to decide who is cool though?”

“Me, cause I’m classic cool. Duh. But seriously you guys want some wine?”

“Wine is not the flex you think it is. Especially in the apocalypse.”

“But it’s totally filled with protein. It’s the water of life. Spoiler alert it’s my blood.”

“That’s fucking disgusting.”

“Yeah, we liked you better as a nice juicy lamb. God we’re so hungry.”

“Bro I can do hungry. I am also the guy that multiplied bread and fish and fed thousands.”

“That’d be helpful if we had bread or fish. Can you fish Jesus? Oh, right there’s no FUCKING Fish because you poisoned the fucking water. GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON GIT!"

“Fine, god,” Jesus said as he turned and walked away. “I regret becoming a man again.”

Jesus walked alone through barren wilderness and destroyed cities. Everywhere he went people blamed him for the troubles, but all he wanted was to save them all. But was this not a futile waste of time. Weren’t the names already picked out in the book of life. Was he just a mime playing a part? On he walked offering his blood to save them a second time yet they all scorned him. They wanted food and water, but Mother earth had abandoned the planet for her new baby. All they had was him. They’d all weep and cry out for him when Lucifer opened the pit. Then he would be useful. As he walked into the next town, dusty from the road he was approached by two women spilling out of their tops with long luscious hair.

“Ah Mary Magdalen, good to see you.”

The women wrapped their arms around Jesus. “Are you Christ our lord? We need your blood.”

Jesus thought ah finally some good Christian girls. Finally, someone appreciates him. The girls took him to a campfire just outside of town. A large cross was laying on the ground next to it. "Is it Easter? You guys still celebrate?”

Suddenly Jesus felt something solid slam into the back of his head. His arms went limp and he fell to his knees letting go of the girls. They rolled him onto the cross. He tried to shake his head out as he thought no not again. Jesus was hoisted up on the cross. A group of people gathered at his feet. A step stool as placed next to his side and A man climbed up to stand next to Jesus.

“Forgive us our sins for we knew not what we did,” the man said as he started an IV on Jesus left arm.

“What in the hell. I would have just given it to you man. Shit.”

“But you see, we need all of it. And if anyone can survive this process, it's you.”

“Why do you need all of it?”

The man smiled and exposed a set of fangs. Every person standing before him did the same.

“Well, this Is new,” Jesus said.

“You let Satan open the pit. His undead creature did this to us. Now we crave the blood, but

”Damnit.” Jesus hung on the cross while the vampires drained his blood.

Eventually he died from blood loss and the vamps left him hanging. Three days later, breath filled his lungs once more and he was restored to life. The vamps started the draining process again. Jesus lost count of how many times he had died and came back to life as the vampires drained his blood to keep themselves sustained. This time the vampires made the mistake of not beginning to drain him right away. Jesus had enough power to rip a hole in the sky and be sucked off the cross and through the tear before it closed behind him.

Blood rained from his wounds into a passing asteroid and mother turned to look at him disgruntled.

“Damnit,” she said as she looked down on a new planet. “I suppose you’re here to fuck shit up.”

“I’m here to not get fucked up. These blood suckers were eating me.”

“Isn’t that what you always wanted?” she asked confused. 

“Not like that, fuck. So, what are you doing?”

“Trying to create.”

“Ooh can I play?” Jesus asked.

“Huh uh, fuck off. Do your job which is on earth.”

 “Fuck that did you miss the part about them eating me?”

“No, I find that part quite funny. Run along now Jesus. I’m busy.”

“Fine, gawd,” Jesus said as he moved away from Mother.

With a whistle he called an asteroid to himself and began to ride it, his long hair flowing in the solar wind. He sure as shit wasn’t going back to earth, and he wasn’t going to go home. They were expecting him to be on earth ushering in the apocalypse. Jesus flicked the reigns and his asteroid picked up speed. He was going to see what his father and Mother had been up to for the last couple thousand years. As the savior he had never been allowed to create because he had other responsibilities. Now he had nothing but eternity. The solar system spread out before him like a buffet table of possibilities. The universe was the limit. Jesus surfed around stars and jumped over asteroids as he cruised the universe looking for something to catch his interest. What he really missed was humans, or more aptly life. It had quirks, it was raw, and it was entertaining. Perhaps that’s why God began creating in the first place. He was bored.

Jesus drove his asteroid into the nearest planet so hard it cracked in half when it hit the ground and the building blocks of life fell out. Now he just had to put them together. Unlike his father, he didn’t want these beings to be in his image, so they ended up looking like the monsters from the movie the seed people. Except they had only one eye, no arms, and moved like slugs. But he was damn proud of them. His seeds. Jesus spread his seeds all over this new earth. He enjoyed watching them be. They were derpy little things with no religion and no society. He liked that about them. For a time he was entertained just being among them. But tragedy struck when the sky opened up and humans fell from it followed by those damn vampires that wanted his blood. He’d forgotten humans had the hadron collider and they could use it to open a wormhole. Jesus tried to usher his seeds away from the falling bodies, but they were too slow. Humans bounced off of their spongy bodies and rolled into the bushes.

The vampires landed on their feet and sniffed the air. “I smell you Jesus,” a vampire said as Jesus slid behind a tree.

Proof that Mother earth had been this far into the universe playing with God’s creations. The vampires seemed totally disinterested in Jesus seeds. They only wanted his blood. Jesus decided to make a run for it and pushed away from the tree. As he ran he felt something collide with his back and he fell to his knees. The vampire sunk his fangs into Jesus neck. Jesus struggled to get away and attempted to open another portal in the sky. The seeds which he’d always assumed were derpy and moved like snails began to moan. The first sound he'd ever heard from them as they crawled toward Jesus in an attempt to save him. Unconcerned by the seeds the vampire kept sucking blood from Jesus as others came to join the feast. The seeds eventually made it to Jesus and began to nom nom on the vampires, sucking them inside themselves. The world above Jesus began to spin as he rolled onto his back. As the vampires burst from the seeds bodies Jesus teleported himself. His whole body ached, and he could swear he could hear talking and weeping. When he opened his eyes, he expected to see space, but he was looking down on a crowd of people. As he looked around, he recognized them as the crowd that had surrounded his crucifixion. With one last aching breath, his body gave in to his wounds and he died. Three days later he rose. Before anyone could see him, he blipped off the earth and back to the world he had created his seeds. Jesus was expecting to find them massacred, what he found instead that they had multiplied. An act he had yet to see from them. When the vampires had exploded out of them, the remnants had regrown into separate seeds.

Jesus fell to his knees with his fists in the air. “Hallelujah!”

Now that he knew his progeny were safe, he began to make small handheld crucifix stakes. When he was done Jesus pricked his finger and left a trail of his blood droplets to lure the vampires. The first one he encountered was leading a man around on a leash and casually drinking from his neck. Guess he was taking his meal to go. When he smelled the blood of Christ, a big grin split his face exposing his fangs. He let go of the leash and rushed at Jesus who stabbed him in the heart with the crucifix. Ash exploded into Jesus' face.

Jesus grimaced and wiped off his face.“Just ew.”

In an effort to not get that disgusting again, Jesus threw the crucifixes into the air and summoned a storm cloud to catch them. As the storm raged across the planet it threw crucifixes down killing vampires as it rained. When the storm was over, the vampires that had come onto his new planet were all dead. Knowing his seeds were safe, Jesus once more summoned an asteroid and rode off into the universe. Because he’s classic cool.